English Products in Berlin

I was talking to Chris the other day about the great Branston Pickle scare of 2010 that caused moronic consumers (in the truest sense of the word) to go out and buy up all the Branston they could find. God, people are idiots.

There's something about lingerie...

Anyway, it got me thinking about the things in Berlin that are hard to get hold of. When you go to a different country, you always have to make a few substitutions in your diet/lifestyle, and to be honest, Berlin is pretty good for expat shops such as this, but if you want to do without getting wallet raped in the process, here are a few things I’ve picked up.

British stuff in Berlin

Bacon sandwiches: American bread, ketchup and American bacon is about as close as you’re going to get in somewhere like Netto. Still, it’s a pretty close facsimile to the real thing. It doesn’t have the same kind of mystical curative minerals and vitamins as a ‘real’ bacon sarnie, but it’ll probably get you through a hangover. You might have a bit of trouble if you like English mustard in your sammiches, because there’s not much that compares. In fact, the last pot of mustard I bought here resembled nacho sauce. Yeah, I ain’t gonna eat that.

Scones. Fuck yeah!

Tea and biscuits: teabags (of an English variety) can be easily purloined in Asia Markt in town. It’s PG Tips, but hell, it’s better than the crap foreigners call tea. Finding something resembling a digestive biscuit can be a bit of a pain in the ass, however. Still, there’s more than enough random biscuitry in this country to keep you going, just try something new for once.

Buying Meat in Berlin

Mince: now, as English people, we’re kind of reliant on minced meat, but here you’re more likely to find half a pig marinated in some kind of green gloop than a small packet of mince. However, if you’re clever (like me), one of the best purchases you can make is a hand blender. Costing anywhere from €10 to €40, they’re really worth the buy. In order to make your own mince (from whatever cut you want), just get a cut of meat from the butcher and give it a blitz in the blender’s chopping attachment. Damn I’m clever.

Pork, the meat of kings.

Sausages: don’t expect sausages to be anything like the British banger. Frankly, they’re a helluva lot better than the tubes of anus-and-eyebrow you get in England. Still, as crap as they are, trying to recreate a fry up without then just isn’t cricket. The closest I can find is weisswurst. They’re veal and pork, with a few herbs, but probably much lower in faecal matter content than you’re used to.

Ham: for a country swimming in pork products, It’s amazingly hard to find a plain slice of ham. Most places like Netto and Kaiser will sell some processed ham, that works for sammiches, but nothing of amazing quality. For cooking, speck (lardons) is in bountiful supply, so you don’t have to worry about that. I got sick of bloody salami within a matter of weeks, and regardless of the number of names the stuff has, it all tastes exactly the same.

Cheese: a major bone of contention with Berlin and I, finding a decent cheese is a problematic to say the least. It’s almost as if they think that cheddar isn’t the best cheese in the world by far. You can get pretty much every other cheese – goat’s cheese is pretty good here, as is French cheese. Kaiser sell Cathedral City, which is as close as you’re gonna get.

Baked Beans: Kaiser sell ‘em. Apparently. I fart enough already, so I don’t really need ‘em.

This is what happens when you get Marmite involved
in your life. It's a metaphor.

Condiments

Marmite: check out this place for Marmite and other assorted pickles. Expensive and wanky, but at least you get your Marmite. Obviously, if you like Marmite, you’re not my kind of people. 

Mustard: as I said before, mustard can be pretty tricky. It’s incredibly cheap though, so try a few, and when you get sick of them, get someone to bring over some Coleman’s powder or try this.

Vegemite: buy it at Australia World, which I think is solely online now, thank god.

Stuff in Berlin

Second hand games: hard to find, but Gamestop seems to be the best place in town. However, I have it on good authority that no-one buys games in Berlin. What they do is order from Play.com or Amazon.

Phones: if you’re here for a bit, and want a cheap phone and sim, head over to Media Markt, Saturn or REAL in town, or Neukoln. Your best bet for providers is probably O2, as they have a vast number of shops. The cheapest phone I could find when my mate came over to stay for a bit was €15 with €5 free credit, so it's really not going to break the bank. However, if you want to use the Wi-Fi hotspots in town, you’ll have to go with T-Mobile. As a side note, I’ve noticed that 3G coverage is pretty poor, so don’t rely on that. 

In general though, Berlin is pretty light on chain stores and übermarkets like we get in England. A little extra planning goes a long way if you’re looking for something specific. Having said that, life is pretty sweet here, and the absence of bloated branding more than makes up for the place not having an Argos.