Posts
1) Tabs: There is no-one on earth that needs that many tabs open at any one time. You don't need them. They are there for security. If you're a naturally insecure person, go buy a fuckin' teddy bear. Suck it's thumb, stroke its hair, pretend like its mummy, let it touch you in the nice place that you can't tell anyone or they'll take daddy away. I don't give a shit, but understand this at very least – You don't need that many tabs. This is one of the few points I will ever make that are borne of pure fact. I am right, you are wrong. Open one – small – window of porn, and achieve!
2) Slags: Now, we've had some issues since moving to Berlin. Some to do with logistics, others to do with the ruthless pseudo-efficiency of the locals, still others based around our combined unawareness of other cultures. I don't pretend to know about German culture, but this I do know: English girls are a bit shit. I've done my best to humour them in the past, but the simple fact is that they're not quite as good as foreign girls. Don't get me wrong, I'll still fingerbang pretty much anything that invades my personal space, but that's not the point. I guess, if I were making a point it would be that English girls are kind of like English kebabs. You know them, you like them, you'll put waaay too much mayonnaise on them when you're drunk, and when you wake up in the morning you feel slightly unpleasant (and the mayo turns into this weird transparent gloop). Importantly, however, you accept them as a constant... a universal. If you've ever had a German morning kebab, you might understand.
What I tried to say to Chris the other day was that the way English girls work is different to how German girls work. Remember that word: different. He wasn't havin' none of it. He maintained that all girls are alike, and that, and I quote, "They're all here for a reason." Sure, that makes him sound like the biggest rapist in town, but I don't think it was meant that way. As far as I know I'm the only one with a legitimate rape case to be had against me (statutory, btw, so it's all cool, girls ;) I think he just meant that girls are girls and you've gotta suck up all the shit they dish out if you want to get, or keep, your Mars bar well-battered. Sure, thats a 'take', and one that I would agree with if we were in England. We're not though.
We're in a country where you speak to your local kebab vendor, we're in a country where they don't just shout, "CHILLIAGARLK!" at you. These kebab vendors put a little cheese in your kebab, challenging you to come back for more. They ask you how much you won at the fruity (€15 thus far), and say "Naturally," when you ask if you can have a beer, regardless of how drunk you are (very, very drunk).
What I'm trying to say to myself as much as Chris is that shit is different. The feel is different, the language is different, the history is different, the culture is different, the booze is different, the kebabs are different, the musli is different, the fucking bed sheets are different. Why is is so hard to accept that the people are different too?
I don't know who this blog is for. Some have requested it, in fairness, so I'm not sure that it's as vain as I think it might be, but hopefully this will be a place where you can find out about Berlin, and have a laugh at our exploits at the same time.
Viel Spass,
Tom
