Drinking in Berlin

Oh, god. What a week. I feel like all of my organs are bowels. As if there’s nothing in me that isn’t made of shit. This works as an emotional metaphor as well as a physical one. In fact, I feel so emotionally derelict I actually got angry the other day. This doesn’t happen very often. Chris had a go at me for being a fat lazy cunt. I had a go at him for being a regular lazy cunt, we hugged, it was all better.

Why do I feel like this? Why have I become this shambling meatpuppet of a human? One word…

Booze.

To be fair, the guilt has lifted somewhat, as I honestly don’t think it’s my fault; there is almost no way to avoid getting repeatedly and destructively drunk in this city. I’ve had three days off the sauce, thanks to a dear friend who’s given me the opportunity to go ‘off pissed’, for want of a better phrase, but still the issue remains. I sat down to a nice meal with her the other day, and without realising it, ordered and drank a beer. Only post fact did I work out what was wrong. This place takes an awful lot of self-control to deal with.

Mmmmm, vulnerable and fun!

I guess it comes from being English. It’s a pretty simple equation, and not one that I’m going to labour, but we’re used to having to cram our drinking into a set amount of hours. We’re also used to a culture that frowns upon ‘going out on a schoolnight’ (a phrase that comes close to being as inane as “only 5 more sleeps until holidays” – sleep is uncountable, you fuckwits.) The end result is that I drink. I drink like an absolute dick.

Anyway, do the maths… we’re used to drinking say, 10 pints in 6 hours (not accounting for spillage, breakage and general twattery). After 6 hours, we go home, sleep it off, and everything works out fine. Ish. Come here, and take the same mentality, and you’ll wind up like me. A night out lasts a helluva lot longer than six hours. In all seriousness, be aware of that if you come to Berlin.

Even if you have a plan, it WILL go wrong.

I am simply saying, briefly and without too much preamble, “Watch yourself.” The drinking culture here is far more, well… cultured, than we’re used to. Take some advice: eat something before you start drinking. Take on plenty of water. If you’re coming from England, bring some milk thistle.

He's much more believable since his gritty reboot.

Overall, though, if you avoid the stag dos and whatnot, you’ll find that a majority of the boozeries are really rather civilised. It seems needless to say, but the range of bars here is pretty staggering, but for the most part they’re chilled and you’ll just look like a dick if you start chanting football noise or leering overtly at the local assortment of tart.

Smoking in Berlin:

Most bars will have some kind of smoking room or rauchzimmer and particularly late on in the evening many places can fill up with smoke pretty quick. Old school!

Bar sports in Berlin:

You’ve got three choices here. Table tennis (tischtennis), table football (Fussbal) or leering at women. If you’re no good at any of those, be prepared to be excluded from much of the evening’s activities. There are a couple of pool halls dotted around, and the real bonus here is that they’re rarely in use, so you can have a reasonably fun night just playing pool somewhere like Feuermelder.

Not to add insult to injury here, but those are incredibly
manly legs. Still. might as well, eh?

Outside drinking in Berlin:

Most bars will have an outside ‘bit’ but rarely will you find a beer garden or anything more than a few green tables set out on the roadside. Try the Eastern Comfort for a change of pace, or Generator for something resembling a beer garden.

Irish bars in Berlin:

There are a couple here, and all are expensive and shit. If you’re after premiership football or some other sporting event that isn’t shown on German TV, try Belushi’s in town or Oscar Wilde’s.

I’ll be posting some individual bar reviews in the future, so hopefully that should give you a better idea.

Anyway, for now, take my advice. Take it easy, and don’t wind up like me: broken and full of shit.