Meeting Girls in Berlin

As a single, straight man in my early thirties, the thought of meeting a nice (or otherwise) German (or otherwise) girl (or otherwise) in Berlin is one that’s rarely too far from my mind. I have fallen in love with three girls thus far: a barmaid and two checkout girls. While those particular desires are likely to remain unrequited until my German language skills increase, I have been out on a number of what could only be described as ‘pussy hunts’, with a groups of men for whom picking up chicks is a firm priority. I, however, play the long game. Practically tectonic in fact, so I will usually wind up watching the ‘hunt’ from the sidelines.

Here’s a few types of interactions I’ve observed:

The Hideous Berlin Drunk

Mmmm, vulnerable. 

Barely capable of voiding their bladders without assistance, these girls are bolstered by more than a little sauce, but stymied by their general vacuousness. The end result is something that, were you to meet outside the confines of one of Berlin’s many booze halls, you would take for a well-meaning retard. This kind of girl will probably cost you around 6-7 Euros an hour, solely by virtue of a smile that says “I’ll sleep with you if you buy me one more drink.” That drink never comes though. These girls travel in pairs. Like alcoholic velociraptors in lipstick.

The “I’m waay too good for you”

Look at her. Just not worth the effort.

Not wholly unpleasant people, but from a penetrative point of view, your todger will remain drier than your mum’s psoriasis. Generally more interesting than most other bar meat you’ll be nibbling around, these are usually artists, and the attitude comes not from being enormously fit, but from being intellectually superior in some way. Granted, this may be true, but we’re not here to discuss the philosophy of art, we’re here to play with each other’s genitals, either figuratively or literally. Personally, I think it’s a defence mechanism of some kind. Not that that matters what I think, because the fact is that you’re not going to be getting the honey unless you brave the beehive, so to speak.


The slightly minging Jewish girl

I'd give her my final solution... in the face!!!!

This is a speciality of my mate, Mike. Indeed, he’s somewhat stepped up his game now that he has a bit more of a taste for the sauce. If there’s one thing that Jewish girls like more than Tiffiny jewellery and Matzos, it’s a guy with prospects. For a guy without prospects, Mike certainly does a good job of convincing people he’s got some. Whether it’s something to do with Mike’s Jew-seeking penis, or just an abundance of them here, I don’t know, but he certainly seems to have reasonable luck with them. The obvious problem arises in the morning, when they befriend you on Facebook, and you realise that they’re actually a bit minging, and you were hideously drunk last night. Still, קיין לעכער ס אַ ציל, right?

The ‘regular’ German girl

Technically attractive I suppose, but the face just says:
"I used to be your uncle."

Now, it’s no news that I don’t really find German girls all that attractive. Of course, that’s a wild over-generalisation, and I don’t mean to offend, honest I don’t but they’re a little… well… masculine for my tastes. It’s not that they’re bigger, or even taller, but it’s something to do with the features. Broad shoulders, small bottoms and big hands makes for a rather intimidating potential fingerbang recipient. Still, there is something attractive about this kind of ‘normal’ German girl that draws me. The main indicators of these girls is a level of English lower than the irritating near-native speakers, reduced levels of fuck-giving, and in general, they’re toting a bottle of beer (flaschenbier) rather than a glass of wine or long drink. I guess the attraction is a cultural one. There’s nothing quite like going native, especially post fact, when you try to convince yourself that you didn’t just have a meaningless one-night stand, you had a cultural exchange of fluids.

The Berlin ex-pat

Okay, so the thighs are pretty gross, but they
smell of fish, chips, pie and mash all
rolled into one. Home.

I’ve met a few of these so far, and the main distinguishing feature is that their German is infuriatingly good. One forgets, when one is away from home, how nice a homely girl from home is. One thing I’ve struggled with here is that there is a natural irritation barrier that will often get crossed by ex-pat chicks. They’ll rattle on about how interesting such-and-such museum is, and how you simply must try such-and-such club. What they forget is that I don’t give a shit. Not even the little kind of shit you get with a big fart sometimes. Sure, I’d be more than happy for you to spout this nonsense at me in a different environment – it saves me the hassle of having to talk – but don’t you get it? We’re both English, we’re both in this Berlin bar, we’re both drunk enough to find each other attractive – this is destiny. Admittedly, it’s not the most profound destiny, but if there is such a thing as fate, he definitely wants me to put my fickle finger in you.

Barmaids

Tell me that's not marriage material!

German barmaids are divine. That is all.


The one with the boyfriend

 I nicked this. Is that even allowed?

Okay, so this is not a uniquely Berlin thing, and if anything, a majority of Berlin bar fodder is unattached, or at least so lightly attached as to be, for all intents and purposes, single. The ones with boyfriends that don’t have stickers advertising their mentally conjoined status can fuck off to the same place that the single girls who say they’ve got boyfriends can fuck off to, and they can all die together as far as I’m concerned. No, there seems to be a general level of promiscuity in Berlin that makes me think that if I were more of a man, and not the romantic fool that I am, I might actually have a chance of spoofing my wad up some of these chicks. It’s not promiscuity in an Essex (that’s an area of England where the only requisite for random sex is the possession of functioning or near-functioning genitalia) sense, where sex is the goal, but rather a more glib attitude to it. It’s just a thing, yeah?

Please note, this is about girls you find in Berlin bars, not German girls in general.